took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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