can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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