I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We're facebook friends in real life
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
