I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize