i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
