yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
