Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
