i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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