Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
