She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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