there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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