Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
two words...techno handjob
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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