Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Be still, my beating vagina.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
