I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
lol hangovers are for mortals.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
