I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
