Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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