I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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