so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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