I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A bitchslap is in order.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
