So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
