dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
