I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
