I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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