drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
