I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
