Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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