A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
