wrigley field is MILF paradise
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Couch. On fire.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
