She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
