My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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