Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize