matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
