Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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