i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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