Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
