I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
that may or may not have been my penis.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
