He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
