Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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