whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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