remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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