I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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