I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize