Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
