Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize