Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my shit smells like andre
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
