hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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