theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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