You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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