We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
