Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
