Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
