i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
