something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
