just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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