I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
