i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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