I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize