life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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