This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
