Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
