Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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