hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
